One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
