Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
