so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
