Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
