Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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