I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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