This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
