You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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