Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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