How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I love having hate sex.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
