i just sent this text using only my big toe
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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