It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
