Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
