I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she pinky promised me she was 18
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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