Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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