Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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