Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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