my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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