Need sex. Gaining weight.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
