do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
