So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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