...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
