I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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