the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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