With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
