btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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