Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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