everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
