just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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