I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
