Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
