Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
