He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We had to coat check the pizza.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
