i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
