y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
