don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
