I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
