apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
