The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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