So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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