The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
