do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
