some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
