I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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