My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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