The maid of honor just puked.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
