Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
