apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize