If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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