I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
