you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
