just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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