my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
