I skipped work to stalk him.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
