Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
