her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
