Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
