a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
