his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
